Why I C*B*F

Why I C*B*F

Caution: Naughty Words!!

It’s Monday evening at the end of a public holiday. Waitangi Day in fact. If I’m going to be honest here, I don’t give a flying fuck about what today represents or who shafted who, I care that I get a day off work. Paid work, rather. 

Right now I’m sick of hearing shit-stirrers bleat on about how our Prime Minster is a douche (I don’t think he is) or how we should have spent $26m on anything other than changing our national flag (yeah I agree), or how the country is screwed now we’ve signed onto the TPPA. What. The. Fuck. Shove those opinions up your arse and stop trying to convert us.  Facebook isn’t the place for it. If you believe that strongly, join the bloody Green Party.

So back to me. Two out of three kids are in bed, I’ve watched tonight’s Shortland Streets episode (I fricking knew Victoria did it!!) and rise to do my weekly baking for lunches.

I Can’t Be Fucked.

What the hell is wrong with me? When did I become such a negative, grumpy bitch lacking motivation to do the basic womanly duties?

I started off the weekend ok. Saturday night was pretty damn good, from what I remember. The two other RAD mums and our other halves hit the piss kid-free (this is not a regular occurrence btw). Sunday morning not so good thanks to a mega hangover. I’ve been kidding myself that even though I don’t look almost 40 (so, so hard to write that number) my head/body says otherwise. I’ve got to curb my drinking binges – pre-dinner beer and margarita, then during dinner frozen margarita and more beer. Then onto a pub for two more beers before the loooong walk back to our sober driver’s car (thanks Jay!). That was my downfall on Saturday night. Beer. I don’t like looking like a priss by sippping a glass of wine in a ladylike way, even though I do love me a pinot gris. I like to swig my beer back and move onto the next.

So Sunday until 2pm was pretty much a write off. I’m glad my hubby and boys did their own thing, although I did get talked into having a swim in our little pool (thigh deep on adults). I hate when the water is rather cold, and you start to kneel down only to get a shot of frozen vag. I thought twice about getting out but my boys love Mum having a swim, so grit my teeth and sank down onto my bum getting a second shot of frozenness under boob. Holy bloody shit, how do these kids do it!

Two hours later Mum is starvy as heck! Let’s get pizza for dinner, cos I sure as heck ain’t cooking tonight. The 11yo navigates his way through the pizza website amazingly for once, and we decide to pick it up at eat at a park. In theory this is a good idea, but when the kids would rather play than eat things get angry quick. Ok, Mum gets angry quick. Remember, I’ve had a precious morning and not in the mood for crap today. Negotiations in place, they eat two bits of pizza each while being pushed on the swings.  Thank god it’s almost bed time. I force myself to stay up respectively longer than my boys then slink off to bed.

It’s Monday morning and I have every intention of being fucked today, but really, it’s a public holiday so there is no need. I do the mandatory three loads of washing – I hate with a passion hanging out towels and underwear/socks so these go in the dryer, the rest on the line.  It’s 8.30am and we jump in the car for a day out of town visiting family and doing fun shit. Yea, it starts raining. But I’ve got a coffee so I’m pretty good to go and can semi be fucked.  We get home mid-afternoon and I spy this huge mountain of three washing baskets staring at me, not counting the loads I did this morning, and that feeling creeps back. UGH, I can’t be fucked again!

I start to fold towels. Then I get easily distracted by making ramps for bike riding kids, then back to the washing pile, then out to the kitchen to make a grocery list. Back to folding daycare clothes, out to listen to the neighbours moaning about the teen dickhead nextdoor revving the shit out of his car in our “respectable neighbourhood”. But it’s ok, cos the old guy bought me tomatoes out of his garden. Those will be awesome when I pull finger and start back on rabbit food again.

 

Hubby takes one 3yo grocery shopping so I allocate vacuuming to the 11yo while the other 3yo watches Paw Patrol. I have to thank the makers of Paw Patrol, because they are awesome free babysitters right now while my boys like their programme. This gives me a chance to look for my motivation, and to be ready for the week ahead.

So sometimes it’s ok to say “I C.B.F”. It’s ok to flick your kid $5 to buy morning tea at the school canteen cos you can’t be fucked baking until tomorrow. It’s ok to sit down and finish the last piece of cream bun cos you can’t be fucked eating fruit. It’s ok to whip your bra off and put on a loose singlet cos you hate your milkshakes being restricted on a muggy evening. It’s ok to flick through Facebook or Instagram and roll your eyes at all those perfectly posed photos of skinny bitches with perfect teeth. And it’s ok to hit the sack at 9pm, giving your hubby “the look” cos you really can’t be fucked being “romantic”. Seriously, do I LOOK like I want any of that tonight?!? NO!

But it’s ok. Cos tomorrow is another day. And as Constance Hall blogs “I promise to be more wifey tomorrow”.  It’s one weekend. I will be fucked tomorrow. Your fuck will always come back. And if it doesn’t then I’d suggest you make an appointment to see someone.


ETA: fuck = motivation, for those still living at home with mum.

Essentials for a Night OTP

Essentials for a Night OTP  

Written by a light-weight Rad Mum

 

Like many a mum or dad, there was once upon a time where we could stay out late, drinking 6 different varieties of alcoholic beverage and wake up ready to crush it the next day.  We could binge drink the heck out of a Saturday night and remained unscathed, ready to work a full 8-hour shift the following day.

But here I am bordering on my 32^nd birthday and I am Light-weight as fuck!

I have all intentions of getting shaky this weekend, for which I have planned a Birthday Dinner. 

There will be Beersies and Margi’s, at this stage I am not confident I know how much will be consumed.  In saying that at my age, I can’t take any chances for fear that I will get so shit-faced and pay for it over the next… 7 days at minimum!

Yes, I am that out of practice.  I can’t even finish my whole bottle of Peroni with dinner these days.

But if there is one thing that I am good at – it is giving it a bloody good go, this Birthday Dinner is no exception!

Below is my ‘Get better mummy’ Plan to ensure I recover as best as possible, because I know full well that parts of my Liver and Kidneys will die this Saturday night. (Jesus Christ, why am I doing this to myself?!?!)

Step 1.  Pre-hydrate and increase your nutritionals!   By this I mean, drink a shit load of water and eat well day before and day of.

Step 2.  Warn your husband/Boyf/Partner that you are likely to be ill by the end of the night, and that if the time comes, please stand by to hold hair back.  Or at the very least do your best to pony tail the shit out of my hair, be a trooper and do us a solid!

Step 3.  Organise indoor activities for the next day for your children, their fave movies, snacks, toys, colouring, playdough.  The works – just get it organised and prepare for the assault.

Step 4.  Strategically place a large vessel of Water, Make-up wipes and painkillers on your bedside table.  Trust me, this game is not for rookies, you need every little bit of help you can get.  Even if it almost makes you gag, drink the damn water and take the damn drugs… just do it!

 

Step. 5  Plan all meals for the next day, make it user friendly and make it simple.  Don’t go committing to a Roast dinner with all the trimmings.  You will just end up breaking your husband’s heart when you don’t deliver.

Step 6.  Have electrolyte Beveys at the ready upon your return home, make sure they are a flavour you like, because as you know, the minute you have something that reminded you of the time you turned your stomach inside out after your school ball after party, you will just be setting yourself up for a spew-fest.

Step 7. And because it is my Birthday, I have asked my husband to forgive me for how much of an idiot I am going to make of myself by snoring my ass off and unattractively bed hogging whilst cuddling his pillows and making him almost consider sleeping on the couch. (ALMOST)

 

Step 8.  Go to bed when husband tells you to.  Make a conscious effort and commit to listening to him when he says “go to bed, you’re pissed”.  He would have already accepted the fact that you may get too shit-faced to ‘give it up’, he will be missing out tonight.  He knows this and he has accepted this possibility, so be nice to him and listen when he tells you to not have that last drink and get in the goddamn taxi!

Step 9.  Have your bed clothes ready to change into, and don’t make it a full on assault course to get into.  In fact, sleep in nothing.  When you are well written off, if you even so much as try getting your foot into that leg hole of your fave PJ’s you may find yourself with a ripe egg on your forehead from where you fell and hit your head on the corner of your bedroom bookcase.

Step 10. Don’t drink so much that you get legless.  You can get Wastey as heck, but don’t get #whitegirlwasted.  You want to keep any ounce of self-respect that you currently have, you don’t want to become ‘that-guy’.

I can’t guarantee that any of this will actually work, but like my boss always says “Plan for the worst and be pleasantly surprised!”
Somehow I don’t actually think he was talking about getting OTP

Cheers and see you when I am 32 - JRad

 

 

 

 

Messy SHIT!

It's that time of year..... Christmas is over, New Year resolutions have been made and given up on, working parents have used pretty much all their annual leave up and you're two weeks past wanting the school holidays to be over. WHEN WILL THEY END??? 

7 weeks is far too long to have off with your children, even on a staggered "sharing with the grandparents, sending them to holiday program, pushing them onto school friends" basis.

Well, we here at RAD Inc. have some fantastic messy shit recipes to brighten up your kids day - these may in fact stop them from nagging for an hour!  You're welcome!

*WARNING: This shit is MESSY! Make sure you have your whole dining room and lounge covered in plastic or a tarpaulin. Alternatively, chuck the bowl outside with the kids and lock all doors.

Footpath Chalk Paint

1 cup of water

1.5 cups of cornflour

Food colouring

 Place the cornflour and water in a bowl and mix to a smooth consistency.

I like to divide my mixture between small paint pottles (purchased from most dollar value stores) and mix in different food colouring to each pottle. Another idea is to use a non-stick muffin tin or clean empty yoghurt pots.

This paint is great used with sponge sticks or thicker paint brushes on the footpath.  It will always come out a lighter shade on the concrete than in the pottle and easily washes away if your kids tend to draw questionable looking objects.

Gloop

1 cup of water

2 cups of cornflour

Food colouring

Place the cornflour in a bowl, slowly mix in cold water until smooth then add food colouring. Then run.

 Playdough

1.5 cups of salt

1.5 TBSP of cooking oil

3 TSP of cream of tartar (if you’re like me and don’t know what the heck this is, you can use 3 TSP of white vinegar or lemon juice instead)

Food colouring

3 cups of flour

3 cups of boiling water

Mix everything together except the water. When reasonably mixed, slowly add the boiling water. Mix together until there are no crumbly bits. If too sticky, add more flour. Knead on a clean, floured surface. From experience, if this gets into your carpet, walk away, grab a wine, let it dry then pick it out. Give up - you'll be finding dry bits for weeks.

RAVES of the Week!

Welcome back and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

We hope you had a fantastic Christmas & New Year with your families, and also hope you didn't consume as much alcohol or crap food that we did!!!

Clarins Fix-Spray - I work long hours, like ridick long hours!  I need make-up that sticks for an age!  Clarins fix-spray helps. It saves plastering a primer on and

umpteenth amounts of other 'stick-er-on-ers', all I do is apply whatev's make up I want for the day and then spritz the fix-spray and I am done!  At $47.00 while a smidge pricier than other fixing sprays, is worth every cent because it actually works!  

Bacon and Egg Georgie Pie!!!
Seriously stop right now and stuff my face kind of Pie!  Delish, buy one, eat it, tell me I am right!  Macca's you've hit the nail on the head with this one!

Thai Touch - The last 2 weeks has been a bit of a roller coaster for my fam and I.  Some deserved time out being semi-tortured by a little Thai girl with bony hands and elbows may sound horrible... it is actually amazing!  So amazing that I almost fell asleep on the table like twice!  As far as Massage goes, they are quite affordable, and as far as massage goes, they actually hit the spot rather than gently patting and rubbing, these Thai girls pop those knots as if they have super hero powers.  
Trust me, if you are in the market for a damn good massage, give them a go!
www.thaitouch.co.nz  17 Ninth Ave, Tauranga

Lashtoniic - I asked Santa for this for Xmas and he delivered!!! (2 x 3 month supplies to be precise). I've been using this on my brows which were nonexistent, and it works!! I was a bit hesitant asking for the cheaper version of eyelash and brow serum - but holy cow, I'm getting me some brows again!!  

Thumbs down to a certain technology place in Tauranga for not honoring quoted prices for school technology supplies and thumbs down to the crap holiday drivers! Seriously, who goes 85km/hr in the "fast" lane holding up overtaking traffic?!?