Essentials
for a Night OTP
Written
by a light-weight Rad Mum
Like many a mum or dad, there was once upon a time where we
could stay out late, drinking 6 different varieties of alcoholic beverage and
wake up ready to crush it the next day.
We could binge drink the heck out of a Saturday night and remained
unscathed, ready to work a full 8-hour shift the following day.
But here I am bordering on my 32nd birthday and I
am Light-weight as fuck!
I have all intentions of getting shaky this weekend, for
which I have planned a Birthday Dinner.
There will be Beersies and Margi’s, at this stage I am not
confident I know how much will be consumed.
In saying that at my age, I can’t take any chances for fear that I will
get so shit-faced and pay for it over the next… 7 days at minimum!
Yes, I am that out of practice. I can’t even finish my whole bottle of Peroni
with dinner these days.
But if there is one thing that I am good at – it is giving
it a bloody good go, this Birthday Dinner is no exception!
Below is my ‘Get better mummy’ Plan to ensure I recover as
best as possible, because I know full well that parts of my Liver and Kidneys
will die this Saturday night. (Jesus
Christ, why am I doing this to myself?!?!)
Step 1. Pre-hydrate
and increase your nutritionals! By this
I mean, drink a shit load of water and eat well day before and day of.
Step 2. Warn your
husband/Boyf/Partner that you are likely to be ill by the end of the night, and
that if the time comes, please stand by to hold hair back. Or at the very least do your best to pony
tail the shit out of my hair, be a trooper and do us a solid!
Step 3. Organise
indoor activities for the next day for your children, their fave movies,
snacks, toys, colouring, playdough. The
works – just get it organised and prepare for the assault.
Step 4. Strategically
place a large vessel of Water, Make-up wipes and painkillers on your bedside
table. Trust me, this game is not for
rookies, you need every little bit of help you can get. Even if it almost makes you gag, drink the
damn water and take the damn drugs… just do it!
Step. 5 Plan all meals for the next day, make it user
friendly and make it simple. Don’t go committing
to a Roast dinner with all the trimmings.
You will just end up breaking your husband’s heart when you don’t
deliver.
Step 6. Have electrolyte
Beveys at the ready upon your return home, make sure they are a flavour you
like, because as you know, the minute you have something that reminded you of
the time you turned your stomach inside out after your school ball after party,
you will just be setting yourself up for a spew-fest.
Step 7. And because it is my Birthday, I have asked my
husband to forgive me for how much of an idiot I am going to make of myself by
snoring my ass off and unattractively bed hogging whilst cuddling his pillows
and making him almost consider sleeping on the couch. (ALMOST)
Step 8. Go to bed
when husband tells you to. Make a
conscious effort and commit to listening to him when he says “go to bed, you’re
pissed”. He would have already accepted
the fact that you may get too shit-faced to ‘give it up’, he will be missing
out tonight. He knows this and he has
accepted this possibility, so be nice to him and listen when he tells you to
not have that last drink and get in the goddamn taxi!
Step 9. Have your bed
clothes ready to change into, and don’t make it a full on assault course to get
into. In fact, sleep in nothing. When you are well written off, if you even so
much as try getting your foot into that leg hole of your fave PJ’s you may find
yourself with a ripe egg on your forehead from where you fell and hit your head
on the corner of your bedroom bookcase.
Step 10. Don’t drink so much that you get legless. You can get Wastey as heck, but don’t get
#whitegirlwasted. You want to keep any
ounce of self-respect that you currently have, you don’t want to become
‘that-guy’.
I can’t guarantee that any of this will actually work, but like my boss always says “Plan for the worst and be pleasantly surprised!”
Somehow I don’t actually think he was talking about getting OTP
Cheers and see you when I am 32 - JRad
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